4th September, 11:56 pm


Back to school.

I am enjoying my duties as prefect so far, but I'm already beginning to think that my work will be cut out for me when it comes to trying to keep the twins in line. It's as though they've set out to make their final year at Hogwarts the most disruptive one yet. The biggest worry is that the first years seem to be hanging on their every word and deed. Ron, of course, is of no help at all.

We have a new DADA teacher, of course. I wonder if Professor Snape will ever be offered the position. It will be interesting to see how the class progresses, given that it appears that we will not be straying from the theory at all.

It is good to be back, I suppose, but I can't help but worry that things will change now that we've all returned—things that are of considerable importance to me.

I think I might go to the library to do some study. It's impossible to think in the common room at the moment; the noise level is quite phenomenal.


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26th August, 11:44 pm


It's funny. I'm never entirely sure what to write here anymore. Things have changed and, while I'm more aware of what I feel, I'm much less aware of my place in things. And I'm quite wary of talking to her now, because it's become quite obvious what the outcome of such things is going to be. I don't want to be the cause of that. But I don't like the alternative either. I really don't know what to do.

PrivateCollapse )
 
Current Mood: confused


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20th August, 9:43 pm


I've been made prefect!

I can't believe it. Well, I guess I can, actually. I'd have been rather surprised if I hadn't been, if I am to be perfectly honest, but that's what you're meant to say, isn't it. And the other Prefect is— Actually, I suppose I should let him tell everything that, not me. It's his news after all.

Needless to say, I'm rather excited by the whole thing. I've always wanted to be a prefect, and my parents are very proud.

I guess this is a sign to me that I should be concentrating on things like school work and SPEW, rather than my own silly emotions.
 
Current Mood: excited


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15th August, 1:17 am


Oh God.

I hate this.

I hate that I still care.

I hate that I'm wavering.

I just want things to be like they were again.
 
Current Mood: blank


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15th August, 12:59 am


I find it very interesting that these journals have a function that makes it possible to create entries that only a certain person or group of people can read, and yet there are people out there who would not think to use this function to warn a friend acquaintance that they are about to say something that they do not necessarily mean, so that said acquaintance might know that those things are not being said to hurt them and that all previous contact wasn't merely an attempt at lulling said acquaintance into a false sense of friendship so that they can be crushed in the most effective way possible.

Perhaps that sort of thing would make an acquaintance more open to the argument that various statements were unavoidable.
 
Current Mood: calm


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15th August, 12:17 am


There are always solutions that don't involve hurting people; they can be found if one cares enough to look.

But then, it would be foolish to think that people who could bear to say such vile things would care in the slightest.
 
Current Mood: numb


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14th August, 10:26 pm


I find it rather amusing that certain people think I would want to speak to them.

If aformentioned people had any idea at all of what it's like to have to prove yourself time and time again simply because your heritage isn't as some would like it to be, then they would realise that I have no interest in spending time with anyone who would uphold negative opinons of Muggleborn witches and wizards, regardless of their motivation for doing so.
 
Current Mood: annoyed


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13th August, 9:53 pm


I'm sorry. I was being foolish.

Please don't worry about me. I'm perfectly okay.

I had a momentary lapse of sanity, but I'm okay now. I'm ready to return to my normal life, to go back to the way things are meant to be.

It's better this way.
 
Current Mood: cynical


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13th August, 12:49 am


I... I don't think I'm going to write here for a while.

If anyone needs me, I'll be studying.
 
Current Mood: blank


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12th August, 9:26 pm


Well.

What can I say?

I trusted her. I trusted her. I told her things I wouldn't usually say. My heart broke when she told me things about her world. I believed her. I believed she actually liked me, even if only a little.

I'm not smart. I'm a fool. She's probably been laughing at me all along.

I will not cry. I refuse to cry.

Why cry about something that was always destined to happen? Why cry about something that is your own fault: your fault for being stupid and deluded and for pretending that it might actually work out? Why cry over someone who hates you for merely being alive?


...Why indeed.
 
Current Mood: crushed


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8th August, 2:00 am


I don't know what to say or what to think. This is the beginning I guess.

Harry, I hope you're okay. I'll see you very soon, but until then stay put. Don't do anything foolish and please do anything that might support their expelling you.

I have to go somewhere for a few hours. Hopefully I'll be back before everyone else is, but if not, please don't worry. I won't be gone for long.


 
Current Mood: worried


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3rd August, 10:37 pm


I have to admit, I'm wondering whether I made the right decision in coming here. There's a lot going on at the moment, and I get the impression that I'm in the way a lot of the time. I suppose it can't be helped. I'm here now; there's no point worrying about it.

I had a look in the house library today and I've never seen such a dark unusual collection of books in my life. One of them tried to take my finger off when I opened it and another one called me the foulest string of names when I picked it up. Somehow, I really don't think that I'll find anything of use to my holiday study regime unless I want to become an expert in the darkest types of magic. After the fourth time I was almost knocked out by "falling" books, I gave up and went back to my room. I'm not that desperate to learn.

Private to MillicentCollapse )

Private to HarryCollapse )
 
Current Mood: blah


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31st July, 12:02 am


Well, I'm here. I haven't really spent any time with anyone yet, apart from a poor ancient house-elf who seems to have gone quite mad. He says the most appalling things; I don't think he knows what he's saying or that he's able to be heard. And as for the picture in the hall... 

Crookshanks seems to be settling in well, at least. He's prowling the halls at the moment, looking very much the king of his domain.

I realised today that I have been looking at a certain Challenge I'm undertaking from completely the wrong angle. I've been aiming for laughter, and that's not the point at all. Nevermind. There's no hurry.

I do try very hard to be compassionate and understanding, but there are times when I just can't bring myself to care voice the right words.
 
Current Mood: indifferent


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30th July, 1:25 am


I am packed and waiting for my father to take me to... well, to my home for the rest of the holidays. I am quite looking forward to it, actually. It will be wonderful to finally be able to see Ron and Ginny again. Maybe I will even be able to get some of these thoughts out of my mind, although I sincerely doubt it.

I was bored today, so I entertained myself by walking to the High Street shops. I found something that was just perfect for Killer the pet of someone I know, so naturally I had to pick it up. I also visited one of my favourite bookstores. It's one of those second-hand stores where they have shelves up to the roof, all filled with musty paperbacks that never seem to be in any discernible order. I picked up a couple of silly classics I remember from when I was younger: The Witches by Roald Dahl, and The Wizard of Oz by Frank L Baum. They're both so far removed from reality that it's quite fascinating.

I had a disconcerting dream last night. It was about the war and Her and I remember that I was surrounded by a crowd of people who were trying to push me and pull me in all directions at once. I don't need to take Divination to interpret those themes. I think I can work it out myself.

I didn't get much sleep after that.
 
Current Mood: tired


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27th July, 10:37 pm


There is a lot I want to say here, but in a public forum, I can't say much at all. Yet again, I will resort to making little sense. I apologise in advance.

My parents have been granted their wish. I am to stay elsewhere until it's time to return to school. I will miss them (although I will not miss my sister), but it's probably better this way. At least I will finally get to spend some "quality time" with Ron and Ginny. I shall pack over the next couple of days, I guess, and move houses towards the end of the week.

Yesterday was one of the best days of my life a good day. I lost track of time entirely, which is unusual for me. I intend to make sure it happens again, regardless of how hard it may be to arrange, given my future "home". I am quite probably setting myself up to be hurt, but frankly, I'm not sure that I care anymore. Some things are worth the risk.

Of course, I'm not sure what I'll say if anyone asks where I got the necklace I'm suddenly wearing all the time...
 
Current Mood: indescribable


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25th July, 12:38 am


Oh dear. I should never have mentioned recent events to my parents... and I certainly shouldn't have tried to explain things to them. They've now decided that I'm completely unsafe for as long as I'm amongst Muggles, which is rather unhelpful given that we live in a completely Muggle area of London. I'm not entirely sure how I'm meant to stop their worrying, short of inviting myself to stay with someone until school goes back. It's a pity I can't stay with Her. Not that she would want me to anyway.

I really must do some study today. The last few days have been a complete loss, homework-wise.
 
Current Mood: worried


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23rd July, 11:33 pm


I was foolish enough to mention Voldemort to my parents today. To say that my mother panicked a little would be an understatement. She was ready to withdraw me from Hogwarts in favour of enrolling me in the nice, "safe" public school that my sister goes to. It took a while to convince them both that I was probably safer at Hogwarts, but now that I have, I think they're counting the days until I go back there. As am I.

I talked to someone for hours yesterday, without realising how long I had been sitting at the computer. I only really noticed how long it had been when I tried to stand up and my knees gave way beneath me.

I realise my entry yesterday was obscure again, after I had sworn that I would stop posting things like that. There are some things that need to remain hidden, for the sake of everyone concerned. Rest assured that I am okay. Better than okay, even. When I posted that entry, I felt a little like I was floating. I've never felt like that before. Usually, my feet remain very firmly on the ground.
 
Current Mood: giddy


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23rd July, 9:36 pm


Owl to MillicentCollapse )
 
Current Mood: determined


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23rd July, 2:20 am


I give up.

It's not just going to go away like I was hoping.


I'm not sure I want it to go away anymore.


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20th July, 11:44 pm


I think I should probably apologise for a couple of my more recent entries. Being stuck here with just my sister for company puts me in a bad mood, and then I take it out on my friends, which is a stupid thing to do, because missing them is really what makes me so irritable in the first place.

Harry: You mean the world to me. I'm sorry if it didn't seem that way.
Ron: I... I've been feeling a little jealous of all the attention that Angel's your other friends have been getting, even though I know it's because they find it a lot easier to visit you than I do. I'm sorry if I took it out on you.

I have learned a lot of things about myself over the last week. Things do change. There's no escaping that. Some things just are, though. New friends, a foolish crush or even a war can't change the way I feel about my best friends. I'm not sure about the path my life will take. But I know who I want to be walking beside along the way.
 
Current Mood: grateful


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rewind or